Describing Myself

(Coldplay - Every teardrop is a waterfall)

I don't do this enough. Which is ironic since in work I do it all the time. Whenever you are stuck in something it is good to take a step back, and look at the basics. So I am going to do just that and look at the basics of me.

First thing I should recognize in myself is how my mind works. It works with images. Quite simple to describe, but into its extremes when thinking about it. Everything I do, know or remember is done in images. This made learning for me in high-school incredibly difficult, as I couldn't learn but had to understand, by seeing everything in my mind in order for it to be remembered. I was a slow student in high school, and a slow starter in physics. But once known I don't forget images.

This is good in physics later own, I see fields, I see mathematics, happening as if it were plain as day, I see even abstract stuff like quantum physics as if it normal to me. That has helped me in my work and career. Incidentally it has also helped me with not getting lost in the streets. As I remember places nearly perfectly. Not good enough to write it down from memory, but I see and live the patterns in them.

Then there are social skills, I started my teens as a fat, friendless little boy, with no social skills. When I was around 15 I decided upon myself that I had enough of this, and started learning the social skills, speech and mostly body language (the right representation of the 100% of communications humans use), from books and lots and lots of practice. I became good at it, and practised it so much it become second nature. And I can honestly say that it has been a benefit in my life and those of others quite regularly. 

But it did come with a price, the price being that I don't forget images. And when you learn to read body language, and emotions, you don't forget those either. I forget names all the time, but I never forget people. I might not remember exactly what it is that they said, nor what happened before or after. But I always remember how they felt, what their emotions were, and also what feelings and emotions they were trying to hide.

And that is incredibly difficult because by seeing that, I feel like I've known these people for years. Whereas it might be only days or hours. And I open up to these people, starting conversation topics they are totally not ready for, because frankly to them I am a stranger. And than I can see them withdraw back inside themselves because I forget that they can't see in me, as I can see in them. And this is happening more and more lately.

And it puts me in this weird position of feeling incredibly connected to someone, and still feeling incredibly alone. 

Than there is the matter of Ego, some say my ego is too large and some are surprised that it isn't (after getting to know me). Though the above described doesn't really help, I've spend a lot of time trying to figure out what it is that I want. And though a few years ago that got fucked up a bit, I still know for the majority of me, who I am and what I want. And I challenge this regularly. This might look like that I am full of myself, and in a sense I am. I am happy with whom I have become, and who I am (for the most part). Because I worked really hard to get there, and still do. I spend so much spare time to get where I am today, that I didn't spend on happy holidays, parties, nor just having friends that are there anyway. I celebrate your personal victories, why would I not be happy with my own? So yes, in that sense my ego is huge. You can let it bother you, or you can ask me how I got there, and I'll help you get there.

Because that might be the last piece of me. I worked hard to get where I am, overcame many obstacles, and see how people feel and act. I know, I know in every fibre of my body what people are capable of. And I really want people around me to achieve their goals, to see them become happy, to see them overcome their difficulties, their personal fears, their personal challenges. Because I see that, I see that happiness and it is the most wonderful thing in the world. And so that is why I teach, I taught courses for 9 years, and I am missing it. I have seen friends becoming truly happy, throwing their lives around. But I need to constantly remind myself, you can only help someone if they want to be helped. And though that is frustrating at times, I have become truly addicted to see people become happy. Regardless of their personal relationship to myself.

So that is me. I can show you the world, the good, the bad, and most importantly help you see your world. I just have some problems sometimes to find the happiness in my own. But the moments I do, life is great. Because for all the moments I doubt, for all the lies and bad I see around me, there are moments with people, that are more beautiful than I have ever seen in a piece of art. A beauty without precedent.