Nightmares 2

For the past nearly 2 years, a phenomenon occurred to me again that hadn't happened in many years. I regained nightmares. Even though they had disappeared, my ex managed to break me so profoundly that to this day it still hurts and I still have troubles from it. Though I know very little people have read all of my work, perhaps some of you know why. And the further I go, the less likely it seems I will ever really recover. 

My problem with that is that I cannot imagine my life like this. I cannot recognize who I was or am anymore. 

The dream was that her life choices made her end up with nothing but her 2 hands. First she lost her legs, than part of her torso, and finally all that was left of her was a set of talking hands. All because of stupid decisions she made. The fact that after nearly 2 years, my mind still believes that that is so profoundly stupid decision, only means that the further I go, the more stupid it appears. My mind is no longer capable of grasping the sheer sense of happiness I had in the past, when I still believed in love, and compare it to today, as if I am no longer capable of it. And the further i go, and the more I try to regain my faith the harder I fail.

I sometimes fantasize about being able to write a blog and end with the slogan 'Love is back on the menu boys' but, but I feel, that that day will never come. I lost the biggest part of my character, I hate it, I had help, I have people around me that love me, care for me. On paper I have nothing to complain about. All the little logical cogs appear to be in place. And yet a chunk of my emotions, a chunk of he I was, has been torn out. And I seem to have lost it.

I know that for a select few people nobody will read this, and that surely my ex stopped reading a long time back. But my advice, I'd say the advice I can give with utmost strongest conviction of any advice I will ever give in my life is this:

Sometimes in your life, you will be torn between a logical decision, and an emotional decision. If the outcome of the emotional decision is one that has always made you happy, but it means forfeiting the logical life you had envisioned. Never ever choose the logical life. Happiness is an emotion, logic will never ever make you happy. Your life is always better when you are happy. Because no matter how much you'll have a knawing feeling, that you have missed out on something on life, you should never had missed out on some much happiness. Regret is always a stronger feeling than gratitude, but it is not what makes us happy.