Raging Silence

(Nouela - The Sound of Silence)

The last time I encountered a landslide, it buried me deep, leaving me deep down in a raging silence. Nowadays I feel like I am standing above my own Tolkien earth-man grave, an opaque prison that withholds all the feelings that I had. Leaving but a tempered flat flexible surface with claws scratching to try and get out. And I am sitting there, next to that prison. Looking down at myself, with a knife in hand, ready to release it. 

But I just sit there, I don't do anything. I just sit there. Looking at myself. Looking around, knowing there is nowhere for the trapped creature to go. No sense in letting it free. All the doors in sight already opened, and found devoid of purpose. Every door opened, another country full of people, full of people and yet so empty. None to compete, none to challenge, none at any way compatible with my prisoner.

And so I just sit there. None of the doors locked, no escape routes closed, no obstacles in the way. Perhaps that is why I sit there, and stopped opening doors. There is only so many doors you can open, and so many people you can walk among, before you give up hope. But that is not it, I still sit there, looking, hope isn't gone. I am just tired, tired of meeting people, tired of trying, tired of disappointment. Not sure if I want to release this monster again, find joy, find that extremely rare case again, only to be covered by a landslide again. After 2 years, so much still, I am still wondering whether or not to give up, and what giving up actually means? Release the prisoner, or walk away.

It is a strange feeling, and I cannot really describe it. But I am sure this is what it must feel for the future man, that lives among robots. When the distinction between human or robot has all but disappeared, but the robots are not cognitive yet. Never knowing if you talk to a program, or just someone programmed. Am I the only one that has a monster? Or is mine simply one of billions trapped? 

I am tired, I don't feel like releasing this monster in a world that views it as just that, a monster. Why release something that is just destined to wonder lonesome and alone. Why isn't a closed prison better than a prison in which you are not sure you are actually trapped? I'm tired of this planet, I am tired of this humanity, I am tired of all this shit that is called 'people'. I am tired of superficiality, I am tired of stupidity, I am tired of blind actions, I am tired of followers. I am tired of people thinking they are right and yet never questioning themselves, or even be open to criticism. I am tired of religion, I am tired of consumerism, I am tired of the norm, and of the values. I am tired of this civilization. It is not going anywhere but down. I am tired of selfishness, I am tired of greed, I am tired of taking-the-easy-way-out. 

And so I just sit there. My mind tired, and I do not know if it will ever be fixed. If 24 year old me, could travel to its future, for a few walks around the park. Perhaps I could save me. On the other hand my need to be truthful, could just as well destroy me. 

So, my advice? Who am I to do that, ow yeah, it's my fucking job. My advice is simple, you don't meet a lot of people in your life, which take away all the feelings of above. Don't take those people for granted. You can only grant yourself a handful of those encounters before you are destroyed and become a trapped monster in a raging silence. And take it from me, that you have about a 50% change, that that very person has no idea how to value what you have.
And it will destroy you.

But even just a small chance, is better than silence...