Trivialities aka 'nightmares'

(Jose Gonzales - Cycling Trivialities)

I hate it nowadays when I need to write. What used to be a way of sharing my dreams and thoughts to the world, has reduced to a bear necessity to expend my mind troubles if I have no other place to let it go. But here I am again, sleepless, thinking and listening. And for those who think I might have a complicated troubled life, please I don't. I didn't have it 2 years ago, and it is still like that. I just suffer from one thing, that has broken down the person who I was to such an extend that I find it hard to recognise my own mind sometimes.

There is a void inside of me. A void that was left behind when my trust in people left. And it still hasn't filled. What trust you might think? I used to believe that there existed things in life, that were worth fighting for. No matter what the hardship. That people in this world, all people, existed with at the least one ideal they would fight for. For which they wouldn't scare away, for which they wouldn't take the easy way out, or a short-cut to have it easier. 

Mine used to be love, now, I wonder if I will ever meet a person that is capable of doing the same.

I used to believe that people would at the least fight for things, if they were true and good enough. If love were true and good enough. A Hemingway ideal, that just goes to show, that not all people think like this. In fact, as far as I know, most people don't. Most people really don't give much of a crap of what they do is good. People bail out when things become a little harder, or when there is little gain for them. All people it would, with only such a select few as exceptions to the rule. 

And over the past few months I decided 'fuck them'. I was going to be better, and I did. And all around me happiness flourished. Some long lasting, and some ending by that same coward's wall as I suffered from myself. And the stupid thing is, I couldn't feel it. I couldn't share in it. I know I made people really happy, and I know people can love, and I still believe in love. I just don't believe in people any more. It is like waking up from a fairytale and all the scientific inaccuracies appeared to have been limited to humans alone. A sea of empty shells avoiding strong currents, out of fears for things, thoughts and tempations. 

And it makes me sad, it actually makes me sad. It makes me cry. Not for me, but for all these people. As they let go their chances for good true happiness, good true friends, good true events, good true loves, out of shear fear not of what they feel, but what they concoct up in their own minds.

When will people learn, that it is not their thoughts that make them happy?