27 years, 7 months and 4 days

Same as before. This is one of those songs that took weeks and weeks to record, until the artist sneaked into the recording studio alone once and recorded it the way it needed. If you listen well, you can feel it. (Regina Spektor - Samson)

27 years 7 months and 4 days. That is how long I am alive. (and another day in a few hours). I turned myself from a little fat geeky kid, into what I am today. And I am sorry for saying, but nobody that knows me could recognise me if they saw me then. I fuelled that change, by a simple notion. That love if only it was true enough, would always win in the end. And if you were to read all the blogs I've had for the past 16 years (Yes, this is my third blog) you would easily, almost annoyingly read it. Everything that I am today, my ideals, my thoughts, my knowledge, my passion, my ambition and my compassion, is fuelled from that one notion.

But today I faced a problem. Just when I thought I was finally getting over it all. It came back, just as painful as it once was. And that is really, really bad. Because I am losing myself. I am even at a point where I no longer know if I already did. For every day that it takes more, for every good attempt I do, it just shows, again and again, how true the love was I had. I while that in itself is a beautiful thing, it is catastrophic for almost all that I am. Because even though the love was true, hard, honest and real, it did not win. It lost, and with that all that I am standing for.

That notion fuelled the fire of who I am, and if before I was fighting to keep the fire from extinguishing completely, I am now wondering whether or not it is gone, or if it can be re-lit at all. This hasn't just taken the better of me, it has taken me. It has ensured that it cannot ever win. It is like the third Punic war, where the Carthego isn't burned down, but systematically deconstructed, its fields covered with salt and dead sand, and all its trees cut down. Leaving nothing sad, nothing to mourn about, just an empty waste.

And I am wondering whether it is worth rebuilding at all. For the first time in my life, I need to meet someone, that does care, that cares about love, more then I did. That, or I just need to learn to live in a waste.