How examples of love make me lose myself.

(No music this time)

First of all a cheer for my family and friends who are there for me. Your help is much appreciated. I know I don't like to be this, helpless, or in need of care. But I hope it will pass soon. I know I can count on you, and will find you when I have to. So let me elaborate on the problems I have, now that the emotions are for now subdued.

Firstly, and probably more core-shaking then losing mutual love myself. Is that I lost the example, of what good honest love was. It isn't so much that it isn't there at all, or that it will not come back to me. But I have lost the good example I needed to have some more faith in this world. And I am sorry if I offend anyone I never intended to, but this is how I feel. The most intense disagreements I had were about physics and how to convey knowledge. We were warm, strong, honest, truthful, communicated well, and frankly had no problems between us. That of course, leaving our personal problems aside. Which eventually got the better of what we shared together. Sure I might forget a few, but frankly we I can't remember them.
And that is the point, I don't know anyone like that. I know relations lasting many years, with lots of problems, and lots of work done in between them. With people being mostly happy. And talking out the problems amongst friends. And they go strong for years, but I can never spot the happiness in their lives that I felt. I also know of relations that have lasted strongly from halfway through secondary school. Never really knowing any other people at all but eachother. And they face the world together, are strong, loving made for eachother, and really happy. And though they are amongst the best of examples, they had big problems too. Which they overcame, and continued alongside eachother. But I know not of people having what I had. Such simple, honest hard-lived love. And what it means is something of failure. That something beautiful from the world was taken, of which I was half part of, and I didn't prevent it. And though stuff happens, I don't know of a good example of love anymore.
After all, we reference our degrees of good and bad to what we know. But now that I have known this good, I can no longer see it anywhere in the world. I just see hundreds and hundreds of honest, dedicated people, most of which I know personally. And I can no longer support them, I can no longer tell them to hold on, to work for something better. For I no longer know of any better. And this bothers me greatly, that I can no longer entice hope within people concerning that what I value the most, love. I can no longer fight for a better world, when I lack the example of how it could be.
My sword has been struck down in this giant marsh in a crusade for happiness and all I can see is good, kind, honest people struggling as I can no longer show them that single way that I knew of. And at this point I don't know of anyone else leading over a decent road.

And I know what you'll all say. 'You are not responsible for the world'. And I know, but I want to improve it. By god if I could just get one person to be able to feel the same as I have felt before. Then at least I have done something meaningful. Sure I do meaningful stuff in my work. But it doesn't inspire quite as much as getting someone else to be strong, passionate and loving of someone else. Fire in someone's eyes, sparkling with happiness. 

And that brings me two problem two. I understand the reasons of my ex, and knowing her, and I do, they are valid reasons. And I know it would drive her blatantly mad if she didn't do it. I know it, and feel it in my heart. That is why letting her go was so easy in the first place. I love her, and you set that free. Simple as that.
But the problem is, I cannot talk to anyone about this. None of my friends, or family can understand this decision. And all that I am left up with is stupid annoying remarks like 'are you sure she didn't cheat on you?'.
And I have no need in understanding her decisions. I have need for understanding why there is this difference between people? Why do some people value love enough to fight for it for years and years, and knowing it will make them happy. And why do some people not value this?

In short; Why do some people not know, or not perceive, the feeling of love, as making one truly happy?

Is it in how we were raised, what examples the world around us sets us? Is it in our experiences of our lives that we know that by default this will work? Or is it because all we here in life that other stuff makes us happy, drugs, money, followers, likes independence, simply because we lack a better example.

And since all three require a good example, have I arrived back at my first argument, enhancing it, enhancing the second subsequently. And what is worse? That I have lost the status of 'I am truly happy, and truly don't need anything else' or that I have lost the capacity to show the world that such a status exists at all.

And so all that I see around me, all the instances where people do not have that status yet, where they struggle, have turned from a promising start or well-on-their-way journey, to failures. Or instead of failure, more a remembrance of my failure, and of a lack of the world to fight for that truly-happy-status. And that made me angry at the world, not just myself, but to the whole world. And I know that that is silly, and that I am just as much part of this world. But it took away my motivation. Why fight if you know everyone is losing anyway?

And to me, losing the will to fight is like losing myself. I have fought for practically everything, nothing comes easy, certainly not the things worth having. And so until I find this example of honest hard-lived love, I fear I am losing the will to fight.

And that frightens, angers and saddens me more then anything.